MIDDLE AGE SPREAD

E. Joseph Cossman theorized that middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

But what Cossman fails to tell us is this:

Logic tells us that somewhere in this mutual migration, we are the same thickness all over for a brief moment. Thus, the concept of "Middle Age Spread" comes into play.

At this juncture, all you can possibly do is maintain.

Drink beer. Lots of beer. Your mind will still be narrow, but as you lose control over the volume of your speech, you are rendered obnoxious, and no one listens to you anymore. Your point of view is rendered irrelevant.

And as your waistline expands, you have more surface area on which to balance the cheese doodles. Victory from the jaws of defeat.